I almost didn't get over my anxiety for two years.
In the second half of 2007, I found that I was always depressed. I thought I was too tired to take care of the children at work. And it didn't take long for fear to come back on top of that. It was a very physical fear. I had a fear of taking care of the kids, I had a fear of going to work, I had a fear of doing things, and I felt like I was overwhelmed by the smallest things.
In March 2008, I started having trouble sleeping. I couldn't sleep through the night. The discomfort of not being able to sleep made me both fearful and anxious.
I felt like I was in an emotional abyss, surrounded by darkness, and no matter how much I struggled I couldn't get out of it. Without any external stimulus, my mood spiraled downward into deep fear and anxiety, and every time this fear and anxiety hit me, I felt overwhelmed.
I asked myself, what's wrong with me? What should I do?
The wife said, "Go to see the doctor if you can't sleep."
In May 2008, I went to a traditional Chinese medicine hospital and began to take traditional Chinese medicine.
After taking the traditional Chinese medicine, I had a fitful sleep.
One day in October 2008, I was shocked to find black, threadlike movements in my eyes, which exacerbated my anxiety and started to get out of hand.
One night in October, I was tossing and turning in bed until two or three o 'clock. I was thinking about what had happened to me this year, and about my current emotional state and my eye problems, I suddenly broke down and sat up and cried in my dark bedroom at three in the morning.
Frightened by the cry, my wife got up to talk to me and comfort me. But I didn't know how to do and what to do. I just felt like the walking dead.
In the following days, I kept thinking that I could not hold on any longer. Every time I stood in front of the window on the 15th floor of my home, I would have the impulse to jump down.
I was scared by this thought, and I pushed it down, thinking of my parents to be supported, and my wife and son to be accompanied.
I told myself over and over again, I can't go on like this, I have to save myself.
I've been taking Chinese medicine for 5 months and it still has no effect. I know, it's definitely not a physical problem. So I stopped taking it.
Since it's not a physical problem, it's a mental problem.
The problem of psychology is to start with psychology. I decided to start learning psychology by myself. I wanted to find out what happened to me and why I became like this.
I bought a lot of psychology books on the Internet and started reading them one by one, focusing on two schools of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and rational emotional behavioral therapy (RBT), which are currently effective.
In the process of reading, I found that there are a lot of people with psychological problems, they are suffering from a variety of psychological problems, I also found that psychological problems are really not simple, but a barrier, it's a disease. If people leave it to themselves, it will not be improved, it will only become more and more serious, and finally people can not bear it.
The wave of emotions for normal people is real, sometimes good, sometimes bad, but there is no wave of emotions for people with psychological problems.
I also found that there are two ways to treat mental problems, one is counseling, the other is medication, medication is to change the neurotransmitters in your brain.
I decided to choose psychological counseling, because after comparing the two methods, I found that drugs can indeed improve your mood, but some of them are dependent, and if you don't adjust your psychological aspects well, you will still be hijacked by your emotions on the next time you meet something.
Psychological counseling is to carry out in-depth analysis of their own psychological state, we need to find the existing problems and adjust it.
After reading several books, I have mastered the basic methods of psychological counseling, among which the ABC mode is relatively common, which tells the same thing, why different people have different reactions to it. Some people don't take it seriously at all, some people feel that the disaster is coming, some people feel happy, some people feel miserable.
A is the event, and C is people's reaction and emotion. Why the same A leads to different C, the core lies in the middle B, and B is your cognition and view of A, which determines your emotion and reaction C.
Using this model to analyze my thinking, I found that there are big problems in my thinking model, which is also called negative thinking model:
1. Pessimistic and negative thinking model. It is easy to think pessimistic and negative about things, and easy to think bad.
2. The thinking model of self-denial. It's easy to deny yourself, easy to blame yourself, and you feel that you can't do it, recognize and accept yourself.
3. The thinking model of overgeneralization. For one thing, it feels like it's all about things like him.
4. The thinking model of disaster. A very simple thing, people will make it so serious that they can't handle it, they can't handle it.
After making a thorough review of my thinking, I began to make psychological adjustments at the beginning of 2009. Originally I thought the time would be very brief, to the end I found that this process is really long, some people will not hold to the end, fell in the long road.
In the process of adjustment, the mood was still in a state of depression, anxiety, fear, sleep was still very bad, everything in my eyes were gray, I found that I can not feel the initiation of spring, the hot of summer, the bleak of autumn, the cold of winter. Because every day sleep was not well, and the mood was out of control, every day I felt like a walking dead.
Once I have identified my negative thoughts, the next step was to write it down and counter it. The specific operation was as follows:
I was terrified of taking care of children (I don't know why I felt that way).
Record: Why was I scared? Because I thought taking care of a child is so hard that I can't handle it myself.
Rebuttal: Was it really so hard to take care of a child? Was it really impossible for me to cope with it? Wasn't it just to play with him?
Establishment of rational thinking: it is really not so difficult to play with him.
When your rational mind is established, you won't have those emotions that you can't bear.
But It takes a long time to develop negative thinking, and it's not easy to change, and it takes years to change.
I adjusted it for three or four months, and it still didn't have a big effect. I felt a little overwhelmed again. I said to myself, should I go to the psychiatric department of the hospital to buy some anti-depressant and anti-anxiety psychotic drugs? But then I gave up the idea. I don't want to be a person who depends on drugs to maintain the mood.
In the process of adjusting, I pushed myself to start running, from the first one kilometer, two kilometers, three kilometers, to running in marathons. Every time I run, I feel very happy. It is said that after running, the body produces endorphins, which is a happy factor. This habit has been persisted by me until now, which is a blessing in disguise.
According to the Anxiety and Phobias Handbook, "With consistent practice, you will eventually change not only your thoughts, but your emotional experience."
Yes, only insist, except this, I have no way out.
I dare not recall those days until now. If there was any way to describe it, it was as if I had plunged into a black abyss, with all the blackness all around me, no lights, no light, knee-deep water at my feet, and I didn't know where to go, but I had to go, because if I didn't go, I would be swallowed up by darkness. Step by step, I waded knee-deep in the water and started walking in what I thought was the right direction, and kept walking.
When a colleague died in June 2009, on the one hand, I was shocked, and on the other hand, I can understand because I had experienced there before.
When contradicting negative thinking, a deep question has been hanging over me, that is, how do I form these negative thinking? Is it directly fell on me from the world? Obviously not.
As a child, because of my short stature and poor family, I was always self-abasement. I liked to look at things in a pessimistic way, which later developed into social phobia and anxiety disorder. I had emotional problems in high school and college.
Social phobia is the fear and repulsion of dealing with other people. If I am asked to communicate and coordinate, I would rather be arranged to do a specific and difficult task. Anxiety is easy to worry about what you are facing, it takes a long time to digest the anxiety, and it is very easy to be trapped in the emotions and hijacked by the emotions.
It started to turn around in the second half of 2009, when I suddenly realized that my emotions could flow. Even though my emotions would still be low, anxious and fearful, gradually it wouldn't stay that way for long. It would be low, anxious and fearful for a while, and then it would return to normal.
The change is subtle and slow, and over the course of a few months, the frequence was low for depression, anxiety, and fear.
Now, sometimes I still feel depressed, anxious, and fearful, but it fluctuates within the normal range, within the range of what I can bear.
I've redefined myself. At work, I've found that if I do specific things, it's easy and stress-free.
But if I was in charge, I would feel a lot of stress, burden, even fear, and I would have to keep telling myself that it would take me a long time to get rid of this stress, burden, fear, and sometimes it would be impossible to get rid of it and fall back into the abyss.
So once again, I deeply realized that I was only suitable for doing specific things, not for being the person in charge. I just do what suits me for the rest of my life. I really don't want to get stuck in it anymore. It's too painful.
I always thought that psychology is a very mysterious subject before, but after this in-depth contact, I have completely changed my view on it.
Most of us focus on our physical health, actually mental health is more important, physical disease destroys your body, mental disease destroys your will, just like war, once the will is destroyed, the whole person will completely collapse.
This is the fundamental reason why so many people don't make it. After going deep into psychology, I also found that the number of people troubled by psychological problems is not a small number, but a considerable number, and this base number is very large. Some people look fine on the surface, but the inner flow is already surging.
I almost did not get over my anxiety, but I finally got over it.
I want to thank everyone who accompanied me when I was in distress and despair, especially my wife, who is the angel sent by God to save me.
We don't know the value of possession until we've lost it. Now I feel how beautiful every day is. Now I can feel the warmth of the sun, the beauty of the flowers and the gentle breeze every day.